That I knew but I didn’t know that whole day of physical work feels so good for me. Then I thought of the primal people adhd theories and maybe I need more physical style of life. I like to think that answers to present are in the past

I guess I have some narcissistic tendencies sometimes and I think it’s like perfect counter to these patterns. Besides it just feels extra good when I kind of shrink myself in these ways and let other things shine instead of me occupying all the space. I guess maybe that this is is also turning off the adhd chatter

I am really super green to these things and I am just having fun. also it’s much different than I thought it is. I knew that it is different than Catholicism I grew up with but I never really had a chance to understand why exactly

Then I had an occult phase, thinking I could be great mighty witch phase I guess

Problem is I never really seeked spiritualism for the right reasons but only to feel better and superior than others, have some secret knowledge. That was such a confusing way

I am trying to minimise my self and so to make space for everything else to shine, it started here: https://www.amazon.com/Cutting-Through-Spiritual-Materialism-Chogyam/dp/1570629579

That’s very noble, I am way too big of a snowflake to see stuff that firefighters must see. I think it would mess with my head

What is my favourite thing about it is keeping ego in check, it is a life saver to learn to let go of ego sometimes so it doesn’t get in the way of life

Also Buddhism is like the best thing ever, unfortunately I don’t think I could ever give it 100% haha and let go of all the material allures, I guess 01 thinking on my part

Yay, go for that sweet high

Naw I just decided programming is boring as shit and depressing after a decade of time investment, standing desk or not. I know that there are some ex programmers who run farms and such. I just can’t look at screen for 8 hours locked up indoors no more. 12 hours of vigorous physical labour for 3 days that’s something I never thought feels that good. I guess if it wasn’t my own stuff it would feel worse but with working for your own credit with no boss, stranger things were pleasurable

I don’t think I was ever happy programming. It is satisfying to solve programming problems yes but fulfilling? Not at all

When you are renovating for example you also solve many problems and design the space but then also you move around a lot and there are quick physical results and satisfaction from neatly laid floor for example

That’s good but I can’t really be sporty that’s the problem. Like should I really plan my whole life around this instead of programming that will truly kick my ass mentally tbh if I have to sit for so long

Like cutting trees is fun as heck but I can’t really seriously do this every day

I really need to figure out how to wrap my life around these needs while still pursuing intellectual highest paying stuff. I don’t know, bit late for such mind changing now