Nah, I wasn’t pretending. I enjoyed 85% of all of my courses so usually I was hyper focusing during class. The remaining 15% of courses were pure hell though.

I mean… yes. Definitely yes to the impostor syndrome. But people thinking I had answers made me pay attention differently and made me work harder to understand stuff because people were counting on me to always know.

It was like having an accidental accountability buddy. I could be questioned on the testing material basically at any point in time. So I tried to always be ready.

The way I pulled it off is basically by pure chance. A few classmates had gotten the impression (still don’t know how or why) that I was a good student. Whenever they had any difficulty at all they’d ask me. As such I was constantly explaining a bunch of stuff, especially the more difficult parts of the material. So from the moment I first understood it I just kept on repeating it to others endlessly.

In retrospect that’s probably what helped me get through the whole thing.

My executive functioning fell off a cliff when a lot of externally enforced routines all stopped during Covid lockdowns. While watching YouTube it suddenly recommended a video describing what adhd can look like in adults. I looked into it more and am 99.99% sure. It explains so much about my whole life.

As I am not looking to get medicated and the waitlist for an official diagnosis is long I don’t see the point at the moment. Especially because I don’t feel like I need someone else to verify what I already know.