Thank you. Those are some actionable tips for me.

This really stuck in my head today and I’m still processing your message. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it, it means a lot.

Hey that means a lot. Oceans and landmasses are in the way, but I appreciate you.

So the number. Out of 50, 30 are just my colleagues. I didn’t all invite them individually, a few I did, but mostly I gave a group invite. It’s quite usual for the colleagues to hang out together, go to stuff together. So that leaves 20 people I invited by hand.

Thanks. Those are good points. I’m 40. I’ve been to therapy. And it’s not like I can just go, there’s no spots, no therapists, no waiting lists. I have a social therapist who’s okay, I guess. I’m on bupropion, but after about 2,5-3 years, I finally want to get off it. I hate being on antidepressants so long, I’ve had bad experiences with taking them too long.

The hard thing about learning these mental patterns and tools as a person with ADD seems to me, like I have to learn them again and again and again…

I’ve been diagnosed about 2-3 years ago only…

I’m glad it worked out for you so far. Good luck out there

Thanks for the insights. I don’t think I can say I had fun or similar, when I didn’t. I had anxiety the whole night and felt incredibly awkward and ashamed.

Yeah thanks for the advice and the wishes. I think you’re exactly right about how those conversations could turn out. So I guess something uncommitting like you suggested is a good start …

I like the idea with the smaller dinners. Sadly, people don’t come around my place. It’s a bit out of the way. And I thought the “bigger” plans are exactly good for the kind of conversations where you aren’t too close with the people and you can get closer with them. In a café/restaurant/bar/living room setting, you have to do small talk…

Thank you. That means a lot and I hope your situation improves, too.

I wrote it in another comment: I can see how it’s partly not about me. Everyone had a specific and relatable and legit reason not to come. Just in the collection it also is indicative of my standing. So apparently I don’t have 50 friends, I don’t appeal to people in general and I don’t pull people who have ever the slightest reason not to go.

Thanks. That’s a real answer to my question. I’m just so tired of trying…

I think they don’t know how important it was for me. And I don’t think that I can tell them.

Thanks for the perspective. I don’t know what to learn from it. Reading the comments here makes me think that many of us learn the same dark lessons: don’t socialise, stay alone.

But again: how do I respond to “how was the partyyyy?!”(Big smiles)

I am sorry for you, too.

I try to take solace from many people feeling the same. But it all collects. There’s lots of people who feel a similar way and they can’t ever get together, because that’s exactly what we’re not capable of…

Thanks.

It’s a bit disheartening that so many people relate but nobody can really help me with my question as to what to do now…

Thank you. I’ll save your comment to read it again :)

I think I can try throwing advice back to you: why not try and be part of the plans of the other people? I only too late realised that I didn’t spend time with people because I thought they didn’t want me to. And now I’m sitting here with nobody.

I know what you mean and it’s the reason why at one point in the past, I started going to clubs or events by myself. I would invite people not expecting anyone to show up, thinking that I’d only invite people if I’d go by myself anyway.

Those things do work. But they sure don’t make me less alone.

Thanks. I’m not sure what to say. It’s the last sentence that gets me. I cannot hold these connections seemingly. I don’t have the social stamina to keep in touch with people. And if I scale back my efforts, I don’t think I will form any connections at all.

But I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate them.

I think I handled the invites okay. I did remind people. I did so several “waves” of invites depending on the closeness of the people.

My birthday isn’t important to me. That’s why I never celebrated. I wanted to celebrate my 40th because I feared that being by myself would be too painful with the big number. But this ended up being much worse.

I don’t think that I don’t understand why people haven’t come. Most have told me reasons and I can relate to lots of them. I still don’t know how to handle it. How to tell people that it was important to me without antagonising them. I know I can’t pretend like it’s no big deal and I’m really scared of all the questions of “how was your party?” I can’t lie. But if I tell people it was the worst day in a long time, I don’t think that comes across in any helpful way …

I’m sorry you feel that way. I feel that way now, too.

But I fear that living like you suggested would just lead to me being all by myself for the rest of my life, which I shouldn’t do, because that wouldn’t be long. I know I get so much sense out of my life by being in communities and being in exchange with other people. It’s the one thing that always seems to make me grow and feel things.

I don’t want to think that friendship or communion is an “enemy” that I need to defeat. I just need to learn how to deal with people

So what happens then? You don’t put in the effort and then what?

I can just accept this. None of these people live far out, I even have to work with some and see some of them weekly in a common space. So I can accept that I’m not the priority and then what…? Then I accept my loneliness and try to convince myself that it’s better that way? Feels like that’s what I’ve been doing the past 25 years and it’s gotten me nowhere.

I need to somehow make connections to people and they don’t all have to be super invested. I don’t think I invested emotional energy into the people specifically, but more into the planning and the group…

Thanks for that anecdote. I think I get it. I get a lot of the reasons not to come. Now I’m more open with my neurodivergence, I am more surrounded by people who deal with similar stuff. But that also means that they don’t come. I had two or three people cancel yesterday saying they don’t have energy to be amongst many people. This felt so awkward, seeing as there weren’t any…

I think I can see how it’s “not personal” on one hand, but still I can see that I’m not a priority for anyone

I didn’t ever have close friends. There’s never been anyone. I go to parties by myself. I turned 40. There’s not much cool to my life. This was my first attempt in long time to not be by myself. I cannot scale back. The 5 people who showed up where my partner with her partner, my former partner, one guy from my dance group (where I invited a lot of people), and a friend who I don’t see as much who’s 20 years older than me. I cannot scale back.

Thanks for the insights. But that’s done. I think I did my invitations okay. Even if I didn’t that’s a different question. I just don’t know how to interact with the people now

If you would, could you tell how you initiated that talk? I just turned 40 and I need to have the same talk…

Ne gar nicht. Ich war nie ein großer Kaffeetrinker. Es war bei mir aber das Antidepressiva, nicht das Amphetamin, dass die Reaktion ausgelöst hatte.

ADHS ist nichts für einen Therapeuten. Ich bin zu einer Neurologin gegangen. Im Prinzip waren das drei Sitzungen oder so bis zur Diagnose, also braucht man nicht unbedingt groß Termine. Der Test hat mich 75€ gekostet. Danach musst du “nur” noch Medikamente bekommen

Ne. Ich habe einfach aufgehört Kaffee mit Koffein zu trinken. Ist kein großer Verzicht für mich.

Aber vielen Dank für die Hinweise

Hey, Just to let you know: I’m also in Germany and it doesn’t need to take a year to get diagnosed. Check your surroundings for neurologists that do ADHD in adults.

Also to your question: it’s a spectrum and no hard and fast rules what your brain does. Mine doesn’t like caffeine as well, no effects, but with meds, I get massive heart rate and anxiety.

Aber ist das hier nicht der beste Ort dafür? Statt einer anderen Gruppe oder Messenger?

Stell doch deine Fragen, du wirst sehen, es gibt meistens hilfsbereite Menschen

This. I bought solid colour socks in many colours and always wear unmatched socks on purpose:)

It might be one of the most frustrating aspects for me honestly. I feel like a shitty friend/partner because I literally forget almost everything. Somebody might tell me something and 2mins later I have no idea. Sometimes I “feel” the memory somewhere in my head but can’t grasp it. Sometimes I really feel the empty space where it should be.

Thanks. Today is day 3 of vyvanse/Elvanse. Taking my time

Not sure what you mean I should give a go, tbh. I’m not a big fan of taking more neuroactive meds, I guess Viagra as a later resort.

Well, I’m nearing the big 4 myself, so in a similar boat. I bought penis rings and will try to remember doing Kegels for now

Thank you <3

Yeah thanks! I don’t mind taking (the right) medication. I’ve taken my share of dumb meds that did more harm than good. So if vyvanse can help, I’d be stoked.

I hope that you are in a better space now. Good luck

Hey that is so kind of you to offer these insights. They help me a lot. Can I just ask about your gender/body? I am cis male.

I love how you formulate your experience, it really gives a lot of food for thought and hope.

Ah that helped me. Thanks!

Exactly what do , you mean with the last sentence?

Thank you. I understand and respect you giving me the caveat but I needed your perspective to chill out a little

Ahh I wish

You will never get your “gotcha” moment. You made a mistake, own up. Stop being a coward