- 0 Posts
- 6 Comments
I was definitely in a similar position but at a younger age. So I’m not sure how applicable my experience is to you at 40+
For me what helped most was 3fold:
-
Bupropion. I can’t state how much this antidepressant/ADHD combo medicine helped me chill out, function, and relax about social situations.
-
A major cognitive shift from “I must make friends” to “I’m totally happy alone, friends just make things better”
-
Learning to always assume the best. People aren’t out to get me, nor do they hate me. They’re generally busy, almost certainly have a small clique of friends they like to spend time with, and I’m not in that group. And that’s totally fine.
It took from age 23 until 26 for me to get that all straight in my head. I spent almost a year of that pulling back from all social responsibilities and taking time to be alone and heal.
Reading through your comments here reminds me of myself before that process and I’ll give you the same advice that a dear friend gave me - you need to go talk to a psychiatrist. Your mental state is unhealthy.
You don’t heal a broken leg by walking on it. You shouldn’t try to heal a broken mind by force of will. Medication is a modern wonder, and I’d seek it out every time in your position.
Interact with them just the same as before. they’re still friendly people, they’re just friendly people who didn’t come to an optional social event.
How many optional social events do you say no to? Personally I will decline dozens of invites to do things every year for various reasons including: nah I don’t feel like it.
It’s not that I don’t like the people doing the inviting: it’s that I have a limited social battery, limited free time and a lot of things I want to do.
And in the meantime: become even closer with the 5 who showed.
Part of it is pacing yourself on the energy weeks. Just because I have the energy to work 12 hours a day on a project doesn’t mean I should.
Another part is ensuring I have a good combination of fun/unstructured time with friends, time with SO and time alone. In time alone I’ll tend to listen to a book and play something stimulating like slay the spire.
As for rest it took me a long, long time of fighting it but eventually one day it mostly clicked for me: I’m now in bed around 1030 up around 7 and feel good at that level of sleep. I know that if I stop playing games and just watch some TV and pet the dog I’ll start to get tired.
Yes executive dysfunction makes those deliberate choices harder but it’s not insurmountable. I will say trying to keep myself in sync with my partner has also helped tremendously. I try to go to bed at the same time as them every night.
A lot of “ADHD” and “Autism” things are actually normal human behaviors but amplified.
My partner is “neurotypical” (inasmuch as that’s actually real) and has some “oh that’s autism/ADHD” behaviors that are similar to my ADHD but nowhere near as severe.
Humans are a weird bunch. Most of us are normal. Some of us have exaggerated behaviors compared to baseline, but that doesn’t preclude baseline from exhibiting similar behaviors.
Misread another comment on the 40 part - my bad.
Good luck yourself - Everyone’s journey is different. My ADHD was crippling for decades and it worked out. I hope yours does too - but if it doesn’t ever quite work out I hope you give yourself the grace and the space to be imperfect.