If I don’t prepare my meds for the day I’m often not sure if I took them already or not.

Everything? This morning it was medication. I’m sure, I should have another pack of my antidepressants because I was at the doctors on the 5th.

I still haven’t found them.

I was just diagnosed a few moths ago in my 40’s and I do not grief the diagnosis itself. Its a relief in many ways.

I feel like you with things I struggled all my life. There is a reason for these problems, a real neurological issue that i might be able to work on. Its not because I’m just a failure as a person.

But I do grief a lot about the past and what could have been. All the times life was just so hard and painful.

I have ADS with hypoactivity, which means that all the energy that make hyperactive kids unable to sit still all goes inwards into selfdoubt and insecurity.
I was so, so suicidal and full of selfhate especially during my teens, but also in phases over the rest of my life. I knew there was something wrong with me and I felt so misunderstood and unloved most of all,i thought I didn’t to be loved and understood… and the thought that all this did not need to be that hard makes me cry almost every day.

I bingewatch shallow shit on Netflix and ignore the world as good as i can.

That depends on how much you want to earn. People I knew didn’t work much, maybe a couple hours a day, but also lived in a place with $150 rent/month and $1 meals.

If you are a native english speaker and have any kind of degree you could look for TEFL jobs online.
When I lived and traveled in SEA for some years I knew quite a few british and americans who taught english online on the road.

A TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) certificate can help, but when you are native and finished school, that would often be enough.