This might sound pretentious or trippy. But it’s just a thing I haven’t found a proper answer for.
My paternal parts of the family are all dead, no aunts, uncles or cousins alive any longer. My maternal parts of the family suck, they seriously suck, no joke. I decided not to procreate (and had a “few discretions” regarding this) because I didn’t want to pass the shitty genes, behaviour or guilt onto another generation.
I have an ex, some relations ago. And I really loved his mother, as a mother. I was a train wreck at one time, and she saved me and took care of me. I don’t care that she isn’t my real mother. But this was several years ago.
What really hurts is that my siblings and cousins tell me that what I felt for her was fake, as she is not a blood relative. As I have helped her more than I would ever have helped anyone else. I love her, but is it true love to love someone as a mother if they aren’t your biological mother?
“True” is only a word that has different meanings. The only things important here are your feelings. Your feelings can’t be fake (for you), it is just what you feel. If someone tells you that your actual feelings are fake, they’re lying, and you should a single fuck about what they say.
Always be suspicious if someone OUTSIDE of you–someone who is NOT you–is trying to tell you what you feel.
I have never found a case where that outside person was correct.
And they are often *especially * wrong when they try to “reverse” what you feel. Like, if you feel something good, and they say it is bad. Or if you feel something bad, and they say no, the thing that makes you feel that way is good. There’s usually ulterior motivations here. (And not necessarily well-thought-out evil mastermind ones…some people are very manipulative in a “cunning” or “canny” way, where they’ve learned such things work, but don’t actually think out their plans or motivations…they manipulate on instinct.)
I’ve always had much more success figuring out my emotions when I looked within and slowly picked apart what I felt and WHY I felt it, even if that way was much slower than listening to someone else trying to tell me what to think and feel.
Also–I’ve never personally been able to identify any difference between “true” love and other forms of love. As far as I can tell, love is love, and it’s very common for people who grew up with abusive family to later seek out “found family”, where people regardless of their blood kinship have proven they are safe for you to be around by their benign or benevolent actions towards you.
Your siblings and cousins suck. Don’t listen to them.
I’ve been in your position, and had people, at certain points in my life, who changed my life without really doing anything, or realizing it.
We all take bits and pieces of who, and what we interact with in the world. Those bits may be amazingly beautiful, or they may be world shattering. Your bio parents probably were more of the latter, but your ex’s mom might have been someone that set your life in a completely different, and better path, with a word, or a hug, or a shoulder.
I can only speak for myself, but having someone show an ounce of compassion, or empathy can be everything to someone who grew up with a shitty family (whatever that looks like).
This brings to mind the saying: " The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb." Which means the relationships you CHOOSE are often stronger than the ones you’re born into. If your found family supports and loves you but your biological family doesn’t, then your true family is your found/chosen family. You don’t need to associate with people who mistreat you.
Blood isn’t everything. The ex’s mom was a decent person and treated you well. Blood relatives don’t always do that. Sometimes they’re so awful it even makes sense to go no contact. Sometimes their actions are literally criminal. On the flip side there are friends that are basically family and people who adopt.
What you felt with the ex’s mom was real as anything. Don’t listen to people who say otherwise. The blood relatives who said it was fake were being manipulative or saying something based on being manipulated.
If you love someone more than your mother as a mother, then you love that person more than your mother as a mother. That’s totally fine.
Many LGBTQ+ people have to create their families out of caring people that they meet and come to love and trust, because their families reject and hate them. Those bonds are as valid (and in some cases many times more valid) than bonds of mere blood.
Do you believe a mother can love her adopted child and the other way around? Then you have your answer.
You love her, she loves you. Do you need any more labeling (it is absolutely fine if you do, just something to think about)?
Imagine Sun. It’s there. You see it every day. You know it shines in the day.
Do you ask yourself whether it’s really there and whether it shines? No, you don’t. That’s because there’s no reason to - you see it every day, you feel its effect. If you didn’t, there would be some ground to question its reality. But you do, and therefore you don’t ask this question.
Same with love, and not just parental, but any kind of love.
Spoken like someone who hasn’t grown up with tons of trauma that makes you question every little thing you feel because you honestly don’t know what’s normal or “good” or “right”. Bad people–especially abusive family–are VERY good at making you question natural inclinations, esp. if they are jealous that you might be finding something good that they haven’t managed to grasp.
I hope you understand–because I am telling you, right now–what sort of damage your comment can do to people who were not lucky enough to grow up with a solid, loving foundation at home.
I hope you understand how wrong you are, because I grew up in a family that gave me enough traumas for decades of years. Some didn’t heal to this day. You absolutely need to understand it, because your assumptious comment is enabling highly damaging, scornful and stress-inducing style of thinking and commenting, that has no place in online discourse.
I THOUGHT loved people who were abusing me, until I saw what REAL love is. I thought I KNEW what love is. I THOUGHT love was, what I now know to be abuse.
It’s absolutely a valid question to ask, and your reply is literally gaslighting.
If you have no frame of reference for a healthy relationship, how do you KNOW it’s good, without asking?
It’s absolutely a valid question to ask, and your reply is literally gaslighting.
It’s a valid question, but the answer is also valid and far from gaslighting. The process of questioning one’s love/feelings > IS < an indicator, that there’s something wrong, that it’s not entirely complete, perfect, proper state of affairs.
It applies to many things. If you question your job efficiency, you aren’t as efficient as you know you could’ve been. If you question your happiness, you’re not fully happy. If you question your love, or the love someone else should feel towards you… Well, there’s some imperfection in it too.
OP seemed very confident that they love the mother figure they’re talking about, they just wanted to know if that counted as loving them “as a mother”. I don’t think asking “what type of love does this count as” is an indicator that you don’t actually love someone. Or, at least, it’s not nearly as strong an indicator as having to ask “do I love them”.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all to experience love and then have trouble figuring out what exactly caused that feeling—and having to do this questioning doesn’t necessarily imply that the love was imperfect or incomplete.
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“True” is only a word that has different meanings. The only things important here are your feelings. Your feelings can’t be fake (for you), it is just what you feel. If someone tells you that your actual feelings are fake, they’re lying, and you should a single fuck about what they say.
Always be suspicious if someone OUTSIDE of you–someone who is NOT you–is trying to tell you what you feel.
I have never found a case where that outside person was correct.
And they are often *especially * wrong when they try to “reverse” what you feel. Like, if you feel something good, and they say it is bad. Or if you feel something bad, and they say no, the thing that makes you feel that way is good. There’s usually ulterior motivations here. (And not necessarily well-thought-out evil mastermind ones…some people are very manipulative in a “cunning” or “canny” way, where they’ve learned such things work, but don’t actually think out their plans or motivations…they manipulate on instinct.)
I’ve always had much more success figuring out my emotions when I looked within and slowly picked apart what I felt and WHY I felt it, even if that way was much slower than listening to someone else trying to tell me what to think and feel.
Also–I’ve never personally been able to identify any difference between “true” love and other forms of love. As far as I can tell, love is love, and it’s very common for people who grew up with abusive family to later seek out “found family”, where people regardless of their blood kinship have proven they are safe for you to be around by their benign or benevolent actions towards you.
Your siblings and cousins suck. Don’t listen to them.
I’ve been in your position, and had people, at certain points in my life, who changed my life without really doing anything, or realizing it.
We all take bits and pieces of who, and what we interact with in the world. Those bits may be amazingly beautiful, or they may be world shattering. Your bio parents probably were more of the latter, but your ex’s mom might have been someone that set your life in a completely different, and better path, with a word, or a hug, or a shoulder.
I can only speak for myself, but having someone show an ounce of compassion, or empathy can be everything to someone who grew up with a shitty family (whatever that looks like).
That’s where the term “chosen family” comes from.
This brings to mind the saying: " The blood of the covenant is stronger than the water of the womb." Which means the relationships you CHOOSE are often stronger than the ones you’re born into. If your found family supports and loves you but your biological family doesn’t, then your true family is your found/chosen family. You don’t need to associate with people who mistreat you.
Blood isn’t everything. The ex’s mom was a decent person and treated you well. Blood relatives don’t always do that. Sometimes they’re so awful it even makes sense to go no contact. Sometimes their actions are literally criminal. On the flip side there are friends that are basically family and people who adopt.
What you felt with the ex’s mom was real as anything. Don’t listen to people who say otherwise. The blood relatives who said it was fake were being manipulative or saying something based on being manipulated.
Your siblings and cousins are gaslighting you.
Your feelings are valid.
If you love someone more than your mother as a mother, then you love that person more than your mother as a mother. That’s totally fine.
Many LGBTQ+ people have to create their families out of caring people that they meet and come to love and trust, because their families reject and hate them. Those bonds are as valid (and in some cases many times more valid) than bonds of mere blood.
Do you believe a mother can love her adopted child and the other way around? Then you have your answer. You love her, she loves you. Do you need any more labeling (it is absolutely fine if you do, just something to think about)?
You never ask yourself this question if you do.
Why not? Especially if other people tell you that your feelings are wrong, you might question them.
Because there’s no reason to do so.
Imagine Sun. It’s there. You see it every day. You know it shines in the day.
Do you ask yourself whether it’s really there and whether it shines? No, you don’t. That’s because there’s no reason to - you see it every day, you feel its effect. If you didn’t, there would be some ground to question its reality. But you do, and therefore you don’t ask this question.
Same with love, and not just parental, but any kind of love.
What’s a sun? You’re trippin?
Spoken like someone who hasn’t grown up with tons of trauma that makes you question every little thing you feel because you honestly don’t know what’s normal or “good” or “right”. Bad people–especially abusive family–are VERY good at making you question natural inclinations, esp. if they are jealous that you might be finding something good that they haven’t managed to grasp.
I hope you understand–because I am telling you, right now–what sort of damage your comment can do to people who were not lucky enough to grow up with a solid, loving foundation at home.
I hope you understand how wrong you are, because I grew up in a family that gave me enough traumas for decades of years. Some didn’t heal to this day. You absolutely need to understand it, because your assumptious comment is enabling highly damaging, scornful and stress-inducing style of thinking and commenting, that has no place in online discourse.
I’m sorry, but no.
I THOUGHT loved people who were abusing me, until I saw what REAL love is. I thought I KNEW what love is. I THOUGHT love was, what I now know to be abuse.
It’s absolutely a valid question to ask, and your reply is literally gaslighting.
If you have no frame of reference for a healthy relationship, how do you KNOW it’s good, without asking?
It’s a valid question, but the answer is also valid and far from gaslighting. The process of questioning one’s love/feelings > IS < an indicator, that there’s something wrong, that it’s not entirely complete, perfect, proper state of affairs.
It applies to many things. If you question your job efficiency, you aren’t as efficient as you know you could’ve been. If you question your happiness, you’re not fully happy. If you question your love, or the love someone else should feel towards you… Well, there’s some imperfection in it too.
OP seemed very confident that they love the mother figure they’re talking about, they just wanted to know if that counted as loving them “as a mother”. I don’t think asking “what type of love does this count as” is an indicator that you don’t actually love someone. Or, at least, it’s not nearly as strong an indicator as having to ask “do I love them”.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all to experience love and then have trouble figuring out what exactly caused that feeling—and having to do this questioning doesn’t necessarily imply that the love was imperfect or incomplete.