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A casual community for people with ADHD
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Dating is not fun. It wasn’t fun in my 20s. And if I had to do it in my mid thirties, God have mercy on my soul.
The only advice I can give you is to put yourself in situations where you meet people. You don’t have to go out looking for a relationship to find it.
I think its better to just find like minded people to do activities with, and eventually you will find someone who likes you, and you mesh with.
The road to that place is long and sucks ass, but you’ll get there.
As for the suicidal ideation, I’ve also been there. Go out and exercise, and touch the grass, socialize with other people, and if you drink, stop doing it so much. But, also, get enough sleep! That is easier said than done, I know.
Once I started getting enough sleep, trying to set a bedtime for myself, and if necessary, drug myself with sleep aids to go to sleep, my suicidal ideation pretty much disappeared.
Now, if you do all that and you’re still having suicidal ideation, see a therapist if you can. Best of luck, life is hard.
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It’s not you, dating is just awful. I suggest not doing it. You’ve entered relationships before without dating, you can do it again. I have personally found that I’m a lot more attractive when I’m not actively trying to woo someone.
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I don’t think you’re disregarding me, your concerns are valid and natural. It sounds like you’re having a tough time emotionally right now, just in a different way than before.
It honestly doesn’t sound like it would be healthy for you to pursue a relationship right now. You clearly have feelings for your friend, and while you logically know it can’t happen, you’re not quite over her emotionally. Getting into a relationship, or even dating, someone else at the moment isn’t healthy for you, and also isn’t fair to the person you’d be dating. You need to work on getting over your friend first, before adding more people to the mix.
Do you have a therapist? You hopefully do, considering your history of suicidal ideation. If you have upcoming therapy sessions, I suggest bringing your crush on your engaged friend up to your therapist, and they might be able to help you process things. You might also want to dial down your interactions with that friend for a while.
When you feel ready to put yourself out there, I would personally not try to approach anyone at work. If it happens naturally that’s okay, but I would personally prefer not to mix my dating and professional life if I could avoid it. Maybe there is some activity you could do once or twice a week where you’d meet people? I met my wife at an event at a local climbing gym. There are also dance classes, mountaineering clubs, art or pottery classes, and other activities which you might enjoy while meeting women with similar interests.
That’s just being human.
I think it was Mark Twain that said “nobody is completely sad when their best friend fails”
You’ll probably feel better about all this if you shift your perspective a little. Right now you’re frustrated because you’re seeing a date as the first step to a relationship, and then when it doesn’t go any further, you feel like you’ve failed and you have to start over. You are reluctant to try again because you expect another failure.
Dating is simply increasing your sample size.
Those past dates weren’t failures, you successfully learned that those people weren’t compatible with you.
If you try a new food and you don’t like it, do you consider that a failure? You stepped out of your comfort zone, decided it wasn’t for you, and now you know to avoid that dish in the future, and the next one you try might be your new favorite, or, it might not, but how else will you know?
Get out there, interact with people and increase your sample size! There are plenty of other people with similar interests as you, it might just take a while to find them.
Once you give up, only then have you failed, otherwise, you just aren’t there yet. It’s better to take your time and find the right person, than rush into a relationship with somebody you aren’t compatible with. (Trust me, I’m on my second marriage because I desperately clung to the first person who showed interest in my 20s)
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Excellent perspective 👏
I’ve been in a similar situation before and probably lived my entire twenties in the same mindset. I just turned 30 a few months ago and kinda went through the same existential crisis a couple years ago. I hate to be “that guy” but I think you are putting too many high expectations on it. At this point in my life I don’t really try to date anymore because it always puts me in a similar mindset and I don’t like it. But ever since I stopped trying to date and forcing myself into the situation of dating I have been much more content with life. I started saving the mental space for other things that I can control and know I can accomplish.
I don’t know, I don’t know your specific situation in all its aspects and I’m only speaking from a place of my own experiences. I understand how you feel, and I’m sorry I can’t help. But if you want someone to talk to lemme know. And if it helps, I’d date the shit outta you. ;)
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I don’t even know how to date or make friends and don’t even feel up to trying for much the same reasons. I got sort of dated (online) by a friend who then dumped me in like the first year of highschool without warning or reason, then ghosted me, and then my friend group slowly disintegrated. Probably need a bit of therapy for that, not sure why that in particular hit as hard as it did but it sucked the life out of highschool for me.
If nothing else i can tell ya you’re not alone on that front at least. Late 20s, woooooo…
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