Usually when someone is venting at me, I feel like I should respond somehow and say something, but I have no idea what that something could/should be. Is it better to just listen or try to comfort them in some way?
Lots of excellent answers here but I just wanted to add that a therapist explained to me that there are active listeners and passive listeners and people generally fit one category over another. I’m an active listener: you tell me something is wrong and I’m going to try and help you fix it. Even the unfixable. This can be useful in a lot of situations, but it can also be off putting for the “complainer” if they’re just looking to get something off their chest. Some people need to vent more than others. They simply need to say the words and get it out there and they’re not asking for a solution. It can seem insensitive when an active listener tries to interject with fixes.
On the other side are the passive listeners, like my partner. I complain to him and he doesn’t try and help me fix the situation, he simply listens to me rant and gives me a hug, or a “that’s shit”. I used to find it really frustrating when I was younger because I’m kind of type A - I always want to be doing something, anything to feel a bit more in control. I interpreted his passive listening as being uncaring which wasn’t the case.
Understanding what type of listener I was and learning to identify (or ask if in doubt) what the person complaining was looking for, really improved my relationships. I still don’t find passive listening particularly easy but I’m much better at it now. And if I’m complaining to someone and they don’t react the way I wanted/was expecting I’m not at all annoyed with them, I just speak to someone else who I know is more like to be an active listener or whatever it is I need at the time. We can’t be all things to all people, and no one person can meet all of your needs all of the time. And that’s ok.
That is not the definition of active and passive listening I had heard.
Active listen is being engaged asking questions and showing empathy outwardly. That could be trying to “fix” it but it could also be the “why would they say” type lines or other affirmations that others in this thread are saying both I thought were types of active.
I could definitely be remembering incorrectly - it was about 13 years ago and a helluva lot has happened since then! As you recall it, what would passive listening be?
That would be just taking in the information but not giving any sort of feedback. Like sitting in a lecture that doesn’t allow questions, but in a 1to1
Tbh, I’m struggling to imagine when that style of passive listening would be appropriate one to one, outside of something like marriage counselling or an argument when “you’ve had your chance to speak, now let me speak without interrupting”. Nobody wants to vent to a brick wall with no absolutely no feedback at all do they? Or maybe they do and I’m just weird!
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Lots of excellent answers here but I just wanted to add that a therapist explained to me that there are active listeners and passive listeners and people generally fit one category over another. I’m an active listener: you tell me something is wrong and I’m going to try and help you fix it. Even the unfixable. This can be useful in a lot of situations, but it can also be off putting for the “complainer” if they’re just looking to get something off their chest. Some people need to vent more than others. They simply need to say the words and get it out there and they’re not asking for a solution. It can seem insensitive when an active listener tries to interject with fixes.
On the other side are the passive listeners, like my partner. I complain to him and he doesn’t try and help me fix the situation, he simply listens to me rant and gives me a hug, or a “that’s shit”. I used to find it really frustrating when I was younger because I’m kind of type A - I always want to be doing something, anything to feel a bit more in control. I interpreted his passive listening as being uncaring which wasn’t the case.
Understanding what type of listener I was and learning to identify (or ask if in doubt) what the person complaining was looking for, really improved my relationships. I still don’t find passive listening particularly easy but I’m much better at it now. And if I’m complaining to someone and they don’t react the way I wanted/was expecting I’m not at all annoyed with them, I just speak to someone else who I know is more like to be an active listener or whatever it is I need at the time. We can’t be all things to all people, and no one person can meet all of your needs all of the time. And that’s ok.
That is not the definition of active and passive listening I had heard.
Active listen is being engaged asking questions and showing empathy outwardly. That could be trying to “fix” it but it could also be the “why would they say” type lines or other affirmations that others in this thread are saying both I thought were types of active.
I could definitely be remembering incorrectly - it was about 13 years ago and a helluva lot has happened since then! As you recall it, what would passive listening be?
That would be just taking in the information but not giving any sort of feedback. Like sitting in a lecture that doesn’t allow questions, but in a 1to1
Tbh, I’m struggling to imagine when that style of passive listening would be appropriate one to one, outside of something like marriage counselling or an argument when “you’ve had your chance to speak, now let me speak without interrupting”. Nobody wants to vent to a brick wall with no absolutely no feedback at all do they? Or maybe they do and I’m just weird!
No and thats the point, passive listening is not suitable for 1to1 interactions and some form of active listening should always be employed