Usually when someone is venting at me, I feel like I should respond somehow and say something, but I have no idea what that something could/should be. Is it better to just listen or try to comfort them in some way?
Listen and be supportive. If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
It is really important to ask before offering advice/solutions, because doing so can make someone feel like you are trivializing their problem, or that they can’t solve it themselves.
It could be that you’re looking for a solution to the venter’s problem. A lot of times, when somebody is venting, they’re not actually looking for a solution. More often than not, they already know the solution to their problems, but the emotions of the situation are overwhelming them.
Obviously, things vary from person to person, so your mileage may vary on this, but I find that if somebody’s venting to you about something, it’s best to just absorb what they’re saying, and let them get out whatever it is they need to get out. It’s usually best not to inject your own interpretations into the conversation. For instance, if you’re looking for a way to interject, instead of something like “He probably said that because such and such”, reposition it to something like “Why would he say such and such?” Letting the venting person come up with their own thoughts and explanations for the situation may be the most beneficial thing for them in that moment. They might not actually know why the other person said something to them, but this can prompt a moment of insight, which can help the person understand why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling.
Venting is more about processing thoughts and feelings, as opposed to brainstorming actual solutions. If you’re listening to somebody vent, first off: Thanks, you’re a good friend for being there for people in need. And second, just keep the focus on the emotional responses to the situation, as opposed to the details of what may be happening, and you should be good.
You should react, at least lol. But you need to consider that most folks aren’t looking for advice. Rather, they need a validation of their experience.
Better to say “Wow, that really sucks” or “That’s crazy!”.
Maybe ask a followup question the to show that you’re listening, “well, what happened after?” or “what are going to do next?” End with “Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it’s not easy”.
Do not say, “you should try X or Y” unless they explicitly ask.
It’s a weird concept for me, cause when my wife vents - I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.
I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.
I’m curious how much of that is instinct vs. cultural programming. I used to be the same way. My partner would tell me about something that has aggravated her during her day and my first instinct was to think of ways to fix whatever it was and not just listen and be supportive. But that’s the exact opposite as the conversations I might have with my buddy would go. When he tells me about a problem, I just listen and if he pauses for a verbal response, I ask him how he handled it, not give him advice on how I would handle it.
So is that a primal bias or a cultural one? Does it come from some sort of deep genetic behavioral coding that we much protect our female mate? I’m certainly not able to answer that with any authority, but my gut says it’s learned behavior. I’ve since let go of that desire to fix. And for me, it’s much more satisfying to always listen as support and learning without seeing it as a task. That’s the default. I don’t even think about a solution unless I’m specifically asked.
Helping when someone has a problem is a predisposition among all people. How we help - whether it’s active listening or task assistance is the question. Whether those tendencies are genetics or learned behavior is anyone’s guess. All I know is that it’s observable behavior. Enough to make a few silly standup comedy bits over.
Learning to not fix every problem is one of the most counterintuitive things a dude can do to better their relationships. 🤷
It depends on the person, but what you definitely shouldn’t do is disagree or try to correct them. Not because they can’t be wrong, but because they came to you to have someone hear their problems. I think advice should be given later, in a different conversation, or if asked for. Agreement or confirmation that you’re listening and understand are best.
Now if they aren’t sharing their problems, but are instead just ranting at you about something you disagree with, feel free to tell them how dumb they are.
Lots of excellent answers here but I just wanted to add that a therapist explained to me that there are active listeners and passive listeners and people generally fit one category over another. I’m an active listener: you tell me something is wrong and I’m going to try and help you fix it. Even the unfixable. This can be useful in a lot of situations, but it can also be off putting for the “complainer” if they’re just looking to get something off their chest. Some people need to vent more than others. They simply need to say the words and get it out there and they’re not asking for a solution. It can seem insensitive when an active listener tries to interject with fixes.
On the other side are the passive listeners, like my partner. I complain to him and he doesn’t try and help me fix the situation, he simply listens to me rant and gives me a hug, or a “that’s shit”. I used to find it really frustrating when I was younger because I’m kind of type A - I always want to be doing something, anything to feel a bit more in control. I interpreted his passive listening as being uncaring which wasn’t the case.
Understanding what type of listener I was and learning to identify (or ask if in doubt) what the person complaining was looking for, really improved my relationships. I still don’t find passive listening particularly easy but I’m much better at it now. And if I’m complaining to someone and they don’t react the way I wanted/was expecting I’m not at all annoyed with them, I just speak to someone else who I know is more like to be an active listener or whatever it is I need at the time. We can’t be all things to all people, and no one person can meet all of your needs all of the time. And that’s ok.
That is not the definition of active and passive listening I had heard.
Active listen is being engaged asking questions and showing empathy outwardly. That could be trying to “fix” it but it could also be the “why would they say” type lines or other affirmations that others in this thread are saying both I thought were types of active.
I could definitely be remembering incorrectly - it was about 13 years ago and a helluva lot has happened since then! As you recall it, what would passive listening be?
That would be just taking in the information but not giving any sort of feedback. Like sitting in a lecture that doesn’t allow questions, but in a 1to1
Tbh, I’m struggling to imagine when that style of passive listening would be appropriate one to one, outside of something like marriage counselling or an argument when “you’ve had your chance to speak, now let me speak without interrupting”. Nobody wants to vent to a brick wall with no absolutely no feedback at all do they? Or maybe they do and I’m just weird!
I’ve had this happen quite a few times to me, and I’ve come to the best question for this.
“Do you want to just vent or would you like advice?”
Some people just need to get it off their chest and talk to something, IT professionals call this The Rubber Duck Effect, helps them work through the problem by explaining it to someone else. Asking if they’d like advice or just vent lets you know what kinds of questions to ask. You do still need to be listening but hopefully this helps!
I’ve not heard it called The Rubber Duck Effect, but I do this quite often. Usually end the conversation with “Well, I answered my own question, never mind”.
I don’t think there’s really any one universal best answer, really. I agree with the idea that mirroring is the most fundamental answer. I try to ask questions too, where appropriate.
Asking them some genuine non-confrontational questions about their feelings or possible solutions to the situation usually works fine for me. I feel like people often vent about situations where they feel kinda helpless. Questions from you could help them not only to feel seen/heard, but also to switch to a more “proactive” state of mind where the source of venting could start looking like a problem with possible solutions.
Other times people just want to vent for the sake of venting and want no input from you whatsoever. Just let them.
I don’t know if it’s the “right” thing to do, if there’s ever one right thing… But I usually offer something that validates their feelings, like “That really sucks,” or “They sound like a jerk.” Only if it’s someone I know well and I can read what they’re looking for, I might then comfort, offer advice, or talk about something to cheer them up.
Personally, I find that people are most in need of someone to listen to them and validate their feelings. Don’t have to fix it. That was always a mistake I made in the past. I’m a fixer. If I see a problem, it’s my problem and I need to fix it. Just listen and be supportive.
Depending on your relationship with the person, it’s also sometimes okay to challenge distortions or exaggerations. My partner has started doing that for me and it’s been really helpful to reframe my problems.
That last part is what I struggle with as someone whose mind always tries to see things from opposing perspectives whether I want it to or not.
Sometimes my wife will come home pissed off about something one of her coworkers said. She’ll tell me the story and I have learned the hard way that “I think your coworker had a point, because X” is not what she wants to hear from me.
Yeah I have this problem too. If I’m missing something, I want someone to point it out to me. I never feel like my feelings need to be validated if they aren’t rooted in reality.
It is definitely situational; someone coming home frustrated and venting, probably not the time to offer suggestions or counterpoints; but a casual conversation when hanging out, then folks are willing to discuss if something was right or wrong.
I learned this the hard way from my wife over many years…
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“Uh huh” “Yeah” “Wow” “Uh oh” “Daaamn…” and “Holy fuck!” are my general go-tos.
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I’ve heard something recently that can help.
If you aren’t sure you can ask the person do you want me to offer advice, get mad on your behalf, or just listen.
Obviously depends how well you know the person, but you can consider what they normally want. I don’t have a more elegant way of asking though.
Listen and be supportive. If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
It is really important to ask before offering advice/solutions, because doing so can make someone feel like you are trivializing their problem, or that they can’t solve it themselves.
"Would you like a hug, or a solution?
I don’t understand venting.
I know I’m supposed to only listen to it, but I just get frustrated for some reason. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.
It could be that you’re looking for a solution to the venter’s problem. A lot of times, when somebody is venting, they’re not actually looking for a solution. More often than not, they already know the solution to their problems, but the emotions of the situation are overwhelming them.
Obviously, things vary from person to person, so your mileage may vary on this, but I find that if somebody’s venting to you about something, it’s best to just absorb what they’re saying, and let them get out whatever it is they need to get out. It’s usually best not to inject your own interpretations into the conversation. For instance, if you’re looking for a way to interject, instead of something like “He probably said that because such and such”, reposition it to something like “Why would he say such and such?” Letting the venting person come up with their own thoughts and explanations for the situation may be the most beneficial thing for them in that moment. They might not actually know why the other person said something to them, but this can prompt a moment of insight, which can help the person understand why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling.
Venting is more about processing thoughts and feelings, as opposed to brainstorming actual solutions. If you’re listening to somebody vent, first off: Thanks, you’re a good friend for being there for people in need. And second, just keep the focus on the emotional responses to the situation, as opposed to the details of what may be happening, and you should be good.
You should react, at least lol. But you need to consider that most folks aren’t looking for advice. Rather, they need a validation of their experience.
Better to say “Wow, that really sucks” or “That’s crazy!”.
Maybe ask a followup question the to show that you’re listening, “well, what happened after?” or “what are going to do next?” End with “Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it’s not easy”.
Do not say, “you should try X or Y” unless they explicitly ask.
It’s a weird concept for me, cause when my wife vents - I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.
I’m curious how much of that is instinct vs. cultural programming. I used to be the same way. My partner would tell me about something that has aggravated her during her day and my first instinct was to think of ways to fix whatever it was and not just listen and be supportive. But that’s the exact opposite as the conversations I might have with my buddy would go. When he tells me about a problem, I just listen and if he pauses for a verbal response, I ask him how he handled it, not give him advice on how I would handle it.
So is that a primal bias or a cultural one? Does it come from some sort of deep genetic behavioral coding that we much protect our female mate? I’m certainly not able to answer that with any authority, but my gut says it’s learned behavior. I’ve since let go of that desire to fix. And for me, it’s much more satisfying to always listen as support and learning without seeing it as a task. That’s the default. I don’t even think about a solution unless I’m specifically asked.
Yeah.
Helping when someone has a problem is a predisposition among all people. How we help - whether it’s active listening or task assistance is the question. Whether those tendencies are genetics or learned behavior is anyone’s guess. All I know is that it’s observable behavior. Enough to make a few silly standup comedy bits over.
Learning to not fix every problem is one of the most counterintuitive things a dude can do to better their relationships. 🤷
It depends on the person, but what you definitely shouldn’t do is disagree or try to correct them. Not because they can’t be wrong, but because they came to you to have someone hear their problems. I think advice should be given later, in a different conversation, or if asked for. Agreement or confirmation that you’re listening and understand are best.
Now if they aren’t sharing their problems, but are instead just ranting at you about something you disagree with, feel free to tell them how dumb they are.
Lots of excellent answers here but I just wanted to add that a therapist explained to me that there are active listeners and passive listeners and people generally fit one category over another. I’m an active listener: you tell me something is wrong and I’m going to try and help you fix it. Even the unfixable. This can be useful in a lot of situations, but it can also be off putting for the “complainer” if they’re just looking to get something off their chest. Some people need to vent more than others. They simply need to say the words and get it out there and they’re not asking for a solution. It can seem insensitive when an active listener tries to interject with fixes.
On the other side are the passive listeners, like my partner. I complain to him and he doesn’t try and help me fix the situation, he simply listens to me rant and gives me a hug, or a “that’s shit”. I used to find it really frustrating when I was younger because I’m kind of type A - I always want to be doing something, anything to feel a bit more in control. I interpreted his passive listening as being uncaring which wasn’t the case.
Understanding what type of listener I was and learning to identify (or ask if in doubt) what the person complaining was looking for, really improved my relationships. I still don’t find passive listening particularly easy but I’m much better at it now. And if I’m complaining to someone and they don’t react the way I wanted/was expecting I’m not at all annoyed with them, I just speak to someone else who I know is more like to be an active listener or whatever it is I need at the time. We can’t be all things to all people, and no one person can meet all of your needs all of the time. And that’s ok.
That is not the definition of active and passive listening I had heard.
Active listen is being engaged asking questions and showing empathy outwardly. That could be trying to “fix” it but it could also be the “why would they say” type lines or other affirmations that others in this thread are saying both I thought were types of active.
I could definitely be remembering incorrectly - it was about 13 years ago and a helluva lot has happened since then! As you recall it, what would passive listening be?
That would be just taking in the information but not giving any sort of feedback. Like sitting in a lecture that doesn’t allow questions, but in a 1to1
Tbh, I’m struggling to imagine when that style of passive listening would be appropriate one to one, outside of something like marriage counselling or an argument when “you’ve had your chance to speak, now let me speak without interrupting”. Nobody wants to vent to a brick wall with no absolutely no feedback at all do they? Or maybe they do and I’m just weird!
No and thats the point, passive listening is not suitable for 1to1 interactions and some form of active listening should always be employed
I’ve had this happen quite a few times to me, and I’ve come to the best question for this.
“Do you want to just vent or would you like advice?”
Some people just need to get it off their chest and talk to something, IT professionals call this The Rubber Duck Effect, helps them work through the problem by explaining it to someone else. Asking if they’d like advice or just vent lets you know what kinds of questions to ask. You do still need to be listening but hopefully this helps!
Bingo. Just ask if they want an ear or to help solve a problem
I’ve not heard it called The Rubber Duck Effect, but I do this quite often. Usually end the conversation with “Well, I answered my own question, never mind”.
I don’t think there’s really any one universal best answer, really. I agree with the idea that mirroring is the most fundamental answer. I try to ask questions too, where appropriate.
Asking them some genuine non-confrontational questions about their feelings or possible solutions to the situation usually works fine for me. I feel like people often vent about situations where they feel kinda helpless. Questions from you could help them not only to feel seen/heard, but also to switch to a more “proactive” state of mind where the source of venting could start looking like a problem with possible solutions.
Other times people just want to vent for the sake of venting and want no input from you whatsoever. Just let them.
Mirroring, to show that your listings.
https://youtu.be/c10wgAZaPI4
I don’t know if it’s the “right” thing to do, if there’s ever one right thing… But I usually offer something that validates their feelings, like “That really sucks,” or “They sound like a jerk.” Only if it’s someone I know well and I can read what they’re looking for, I might then comfort, offer advice, or talk about something to cheer them up.
In the interest of politeness, I ask, “Are you done now?” so that I know it’s my turn to speak.
Please don’t do that
Personally, I find that people are most in need of someone to listen to them and validate their feelings. Don’t have to fix it. That was always a mistake I made in the past. I’m a fixer. If I see a problem, it’s my problem and I need to fix it. Just listen and be supportive.
Depending on your relationship with the person, it’s also sometimes okay to challenge distortions or exaggerations. My partner has started doing that for me and it’s been really helpful to reframe my problems.
That last part is what I struggle with as someone whose mind always tries to see things from opposing perspectives whether I want it to or not.
Sometimes my wife will come home pissed off about something one of her coworkers said. She’ll tell me the story and I have learned the hard way that “I think your coworker had a point, because X” is not what she wants to hear from me.
Yeah I have this problem too. If I’m missing something, I want someone to point it out to me. I never feel like my feelings need to be validated if they aren’t rooted in reality.
It is definitely situational; someone coming home frustrated and venting, probably not the time to offer suggestions or counterpoints; but a casual conversation when hanging out, then folks are willing to discuss if something was right or wrong.
I learned this the hard way from my wife over many years…
Ask them. “You sound angry/sad/frustrated” are you just wanting to vent? Because I can relate to that feeling and I’m all ears."