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Photographic memory!
fuji discontinued the film your memory uses
But your keys keep disappearing, even though you know you’ve put them there.
But you are blind
The only thing you can remember is what the inside of your own lower intestine like like.
But you get schitzophrenia
I can make my dad come back from getting the milk
Now he forgot his cigarettes.
He brings his new family
I can undo and retry fumbled social interactions.
But the memory of each fumble haunts you permanently.
But you shit yourself while you’re going home every time.
Retrying these fumbled social interactions can occasionally lead to absurdly consequential butterfly effects that rock the foundations of the world around you. Every disaster stemming from a social retake is preceded by a benign itch in the back of your ear. Sometimes you just get that itch for literally no reason anyway, though.
You fart when doing so.
Invisibility!
But you start to stink really bad
but only for things you are wearing
Your clothes don’t get invisibility, so you have to get naked and eventually die of hypothermia.
would still work in florida
But you constantly fart loudly while you use it.
I can feel the same emotions as others and am able to communicate without any misunderstandings.
You also have Tourette’s
“I can tell that you are dealing with a lot of PISSNUGGETS emotion trauma right now.”
whenever a bird chirps you hear the actual meaning of its song, as if it were shouted at you in your native tongue.
Honestly I don’t think I need to corrupt this somehow. Enjoy.
So does that mean they also get horny af in spring?
I kind of like that one. Might be a bit overwhelming but at the beginning it sounds like fun 😃
You are always understood wrong
It only works on depressed people.
I’m sooooo ok with this. Being able to understand where their depression was and able to communicate perfectly how to shift their perspective would give me a purpose that would kill my depression and realign my perspective.
Become the best psychiatrist for depressed people ever
I can slap people over TCP/IP
Being the first known human to fully interface with a machine also leads to the discovery of cross-platform illnesses.
You are the first human to experience the effects of a backdoor trojan firsthand.
Trojan can’t communicate with host, still a win
Doing so causes your internet service to cut out for several hours.
Is it just the service I was using at the time to perform the slap, or all internet access is closed to me? Also, is it computer based only, or could I potentially buy 20 burner phones to slap the shit out of someone? What about VPNs?
I’d still use it occasionally.
I’d still use it all the time. Losing internet for a while sucks, but letting someone you’ll never meet express their wrong opinions to equally unimportant strangers on a fake place for fake internet points without consequences???
Still worth it
So you can go outside and calm down from therandom internet argument, good call
Slap people wirelessly, and get a break from the internet to cool off? sign me up.
…and your provider slaps you with a hefty bill.
I can find any lost object.
You have to sort through every object anyone has ever lost to do so
None of those objects are yours.
Well, apparently I already have this super power.
Any object you locate begins looking for you
I can stop, start, slow down, and speed up time.
When you do, you are locked in place and cannot move.
But every time you do it, you fall asleep until someone else wakes you up with the magic formula “wake up, you dummy! Wake up!” When you wake up the effect is over.
I instantly know the answer to ANY question
Written/spoken in random language every time
About league of legends
… but you are a callcenter agent working in first level IT support.
Did you try turning it off and back on again?
you now have access to cursed, ancient knowledge and it drives you crazy
blank reply?
Gif. Maybe your instance isn’t showing it.
possibly not, i’ve been having issues on and off this morning
It’s a gif! I swear it’s not blank haha
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when the lady asks for all knowledge
yeah i’ve been speaking with the owner of this instance and they’re doing some tweaks so things are a little funky
But you have to lie everytime you communicate
Seeds i plant always grow to the full size plant in a day.
They grow immediately, which leads to you getting either stuck inside a tree with wood in your lungs or getting impaled by a plant.
In doing so you also grant the plant sentience with a mind that develops at the same pace as its physical maturity.
These plants are fully aware that
A. They have been robbed of a full life, B. They exist solely for the harvest C. They are the only ones of their kind and are alone in the vast uncaring universe beyond the prison you call a “window sill”.
They also see you planting other seeds and understand that makes you their parent. It’s a lot to process.
what about fruit? perfectly ripe for lunch the next day?
Lets say, they grow to full ripe size every day
Yeah…uh… I’d get fat in a hurry.
Same. Maybe the fast growth makes them taste like bamboo?
And require flesh for sustenance
And they continue to grow at the same pace.
Does obtaining the financial security of the average adult American in the 1980s count as a superpower? Home ownership on near-minimum wage does seem pretty fantastical.
But you become extremely jaded and disappointed in anyone younger than yourself, overcome with än irredeemable urge to tell people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps
Oh no
I can see dead people
… and they see you. You remind them of the taste of food. It’s been so long.
…but everyone already knows that before they see the movie about your life.
All my bodily functions smells nice, sort of perfume-like.
All smells you used to enjoy smell like bodily functions.
Your perfume-like scent acts as a pheromone to all insects in your proximity, leading to an endless swarm everywhere you go
So basically anytime I sweat already, but I’ll at least smell better. I honestly see no downsides.
Ads are blocked for me in real life. Billboards, posters, tv-commercials, all gone!
You start bumping into invisible billboards all the time.
They are blocked by obnoxious flashing and loud beeping noises.
RESUME VIEWING AD! RESUME VIEWING AD!
You realize you are living in North Korea.
I have a set of mental buttons i can press which lets me instantly fix some common flaws of being a human:
You fall asleep easily, but you have wicked sleep apnea.
You can stop humming songs but it dials the intrusive thoughts up to 11
Good news, your light headaches have been replaced with moderate migraines.
You can postpone your hunger for 3 hours, but anything you consume within that window you permanently develop a sickness taste aversion to.
The ringing in your ear has been replaced with the Wilhelm scream.
The itching has stopped. The only price was IBS.
Pressing one inconvenience-fixing button also causes a random inconvenience in the list to reoccur. Hope you like invisible splinters in your socks and random hiccups every time you want to cure your allergies.
When you push one of those buttons, it’s effect is random.
“I really need to get this song out of my head so I can concentrate on cla…ZZZZZZZZZZ”