Two weeks ago, I had a date with a girl I met through a dating app. She was really nice, we had a great conversation and she told in person at the bar she would love to see me again.
Well fast forward a week, I keep texting her to set something up, but she’s not responding. I think she’s ghosted me. I mean, that’s fine, but if you don’t want to date me anymore, then just let me know. I will respect your decision.
Dating is so frustrating sometimes… It’s really fucking hard and I sometimes feel lonely because of my lack of success. I have a good job and I’m a nice guy… but eh… I digress.
I have definitely told guys at the end of a date that I “want to see them again” while having no intention of seeing them again. It’s a safety thing. IME guys can Jekyll and Hyde pretty hard when being rejected.
I know it can hurt feelings, but when it comes down to it, my safety > your feelings
After being threatened, stalked, followed and sexually assaulted by men I’ve rejected in person, I’m totally okay with being mean if it lets me avoid all that.
imo dating is always transactional even before tinder, tinder just make it happen more often, also tinder only attract spesific kind of people so I cant really blame tinder for this
Hey OP, I hear your frustration. Sometimes, she will simply not be into you like that, and that’s okay. But there are concepts that can significantly improve your dating life if you learn them.
The most important thing is to intentionally be romantic. You have to flirt. The way you describe this interaction doesn’t sound very flirty. She was nice and you had a good conversation? That’s great, but she could probably get a similar experience from a friend.
Flirting is about making things exciting. Taking a risk and making your intentions known is often attractive. Think playful banter. Having a low stakes, interview-style conversation is just boring for most women.
Practical ways to be more flirty:
choose a venue where you can sit side by side
maintain great eye contact when she’s talking
don’t rush to fill every silence, let it breathe
use statements more, rather than just questions
respectful and appropriate use of touch
playfully challenge or disagree with her at times
humor is great, but don’t constantly joke around
Basically, being a nice guy with a good job is great, and actually a prerequisite for many women to date you. But it’s not inherently sexy. You gotta learn how to embrace your romantic side to show them you’re capable of that, too.
OP is doing something right if they’re making it all the way to a date. I’m usually pretty great in person, don’t often have issues getting second dates if I want them, but holy shit the early stages on apps are infuriating. Most men aren’t signing up to dating sites to try out our comedy routines and throw out pickup lines for fun, but it seems like that’s what it takes to get a reply.
Women often don’t feel the need to fill out anything in their profiles since they know they can skate by on a couple of cute photos, a platitude, and/or a list of things they don’t want. I need to ask questions to make sure I’m not wasting my time. How do I have a fun conversation if I have no idea what they like? Asking and answering questions might be “boring” but I also feel like it’s important to figure out if we’re just wasting time. If you jump to the date without much talking, you might have a lot of those left over.
Idk. It’s par for the course. I spent some three years on dating apps before meeting my SO. A lot of ghosting. I think a big part of it is don’t expect people to be mindful of your feelings. And if they aren’t, just move on. Don’t take it personally. Just the moment you get a feeling that they are not into it, move on.
I went on maybe 45-50 first dates. And honestly, it was a great experience. Very few second dates, even fewer third or fourth. One long-distance fling that turned into a great friendship and then my SO.
The reason I’m saying it was great is because early on I decided that I’m gonna make it fun for myself. So I’d pick activities I wanted to do, I’d pick hikes I wanted to go on or ponds/beaches I wanted to check out, food I wanted to try, places/towns I wanted to visit… in essence, I made sure that even if the date went nowhere, I’d still get something awesome out of it. And I worked on myself, I pursued interests and hobbies and passions and it was the best time really.
Think of cool things to do too. Not just dinners and drinks. There is soooo much you can do with someone to put them in a situation where you can both have fun, relax, and get to know each other. I personally found those outdoor adventure dates a lot more exciting than just dinners.
And I tried to not get hung up on the people - sometimes it was hard to do that, I admit. A looot of ghosting. If you’re gonna date online, just accept that it will happen a bunch. That only means these are not the people you’re looking for. I know it’s hard when you feel like you only need this one person, and you want people to let you know, and you feel like it’s not fair, but honestly… you’re only responsible for your own actions. That means don’t ghost others (I never did) and move on when someone is giving you the cold shoulder. They should be just as excited to be in touch and if that’s not the case, just cut them and move on.
Best of luck, don’t despair, date and have fun with it. Invest time in yourself in the meantime: hobbies, friends, passions, new things, adventures… it’s summer, soak it up!
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I have definitely told guys at the end of a date that I “want to see them again” while having no intention of seeing them again. It’s a safety thing. IME guys can Jekyll and Hyde pretty hard when being rejected.
I know it can hurt feelings, but when it comes down to it, my safety > your feelings
Thats mean of you
After being threatened, stalked, followed and sexually assaulted by men I’ve rejected in person, I’m totally okay with being mean if it lets me avoid all that.
I’d get saying it if they ask but might not need to be said if they don’t ask for a second date on the spot.
What a shitty take. You can tell the guy afterwards via messaging. Not hard…
I would never recommend putting yourself at risk, but ghosting the person after lying that you’d like to see them again is just a dick move.
For me dating got real easy when I took sex, and romance out of it.
Tinder ruined dating. It’s made interactions very transactional.
imo dating is always transactional even before tinder, tinder just make it happen more often, also tinder only attract spesific kind of people so I cant really blame tinder for this
It happened sometimes, but it was easier to filter those people out. Now those people have become the norm. Tinder absolutely is to blame for this.
Hey OP, I hear your frustration. Sometimes, she will simply not be into you like that, and that’s okay. But there are concepts that can significantly improve your dating life if you learn them.
The most important thing is to intentionally be romantic. You have to flirt. The way you describe this interaction doesn’t sound very flirty. She was nice and you had a good conversation? That’s great, but she could probably get a similar experience from a friend.
Flirting is about making things exciting. Taking a risk and making your intentions known is often attractive. Think playful banter. Having a low stakes, interview-style conversation is just boring for most women.
Practical ways to be more flirty:
Basically, being a nice guy with a good job is great, and actually a prerequisite for many women to date you. But it’s not inherently sexy. You gotta learn how to embrace your romantic side to show them you’re capable of that, too.
OP is doing something right if they’re making it all the way to a date. I’m usually pretty great in person, don’t often have issues getting second dates if I want them, but holy shit the early stages on apps are infuriating. Most men aren’t signing up to dating sites to try out our comedy routines and throw out pickup lines for fun, but it seems like that’s what it takes to get a reply.
Women often don’t feel the need to fill out anything in their profiles since they know they can skate by on a couple of cute photos, a platitude, and/or a list of things they don’t want. I need to ask questions to make sure I’m not wasting my time. How do I have a fun conversation if I have no idea what they like? Asking and answering questions might be “boring” but I also feel like it’s important to figure out if we’re just wasting time. If you jump to the date without much talking, you might have a lot of those left over.
Idk. It’s par for the course. I spent some three years on dating apps before meeting my SO. A lot of ghosting. I think a big part of it is don’t expect people to be mindful of your feelings. And if they aren’t, just move on. Don’t take it personally. Just the moment you get a feeling that they are not into it, move on.
I went on maybe 45-50 first dates. And honestly, it was a great experience. Very few second dates, even fewer third or fourth. One long-distance fling that turned into a great friendship and then my SO.
The reason I’m saying it was great is because early on I decided that I’m gonna make it fun for myself. So I’d pick activities I wanted to do, I’d pick hikes I wanted to go on or ponds/beaches I wanted to check out, food I wanted to try, places/towns I wanted to visit… in essence, I made sure that even if the date went nowhere, I’d still get something awesome out of it. And I worked on myself, I pursued interests and hobbies and passions and it was the best time really.
Think of cool things to do too. Not just dinners and drinks. There is soooo much you can do with someone to put them in a situation where you can both have fun, relax, and get to know each other. I personally found those outdoor adventure dates a lot more exciting than just dinners.
And I tried to not get hung up on the people - sometimes it was hard to do that, I admit. A looot of ghosting. If you’re gonna date online, just accept that it will happen a bunch. That only means these are not the people you’re looking for. I know it’s hard when you feel like you only need this one person, and you want people to let you know, and you feel like it’s not fair, but honestly… you’re only responsible for your own actions. That means don’t ghost others (I never did) and move on when someone is giving you the cold shoulder. They should be just as excited to be in touch and if that’s not the case, just cut them and move on.
Best of luck, don’t despair, date and have fun with it. Invest time in yourself in the meantime: hobbies, friends, passions, new things, adventures… it’s summer, soak it up!
Wow, this is a very mature and refreshing perspective. Thank you for sharing!