In the last year or so I started to see so many people of my age that have done truly incredible things and still doing more.
For the vast majority of my life my only goals were gettimg academic satisfaction and doing unproductive stuff in the free time to get temporary pleasure. No end goal whatsoever.
I kind of don’t know what I’ve been doing in the last 17 years while someone gets a patent on solar systems, other invents a new recyclable plastic, and another found a successful startup. I mean, they all find what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives and excel in them.
I feel overwhelmed for trying to pace up with these kind of people. Yet I don’t like the way the things are and I can’t do anything but envy those people. Anyone with experience in this regard? How did you deal with this? Did you eventually “pace up” with these people or was it too late or an unattainable goal?
Edit: Whoops, I didn’t expect so many replies! Thanks, I’ll look into them all
“Perhaps I’m old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what’s actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, “Hang the sense of it,” and keep yourself busy. I’d much rather be happy than right any day.”
― Douglas Adams
I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.
Just remember that because the face you see is always smiling doesn’t mean they truly enjoy their life. For all you know they’re so burned out and miserable, over the stress, and would kill to go back to a less stressful life.
We all have a tendency to see the grass as greener on the other side.
A bit of a scale issue. You’re seeing the top 0.001% of people. And they derive some kind of pleasure from their passions (probably) and are really specifically wired to chase this thing. It’s ok to be mortal. The only thing you should excel at is being you and finding satisfaction in your own life. For every person with a world changing invention, or what have you, there are millions of people just living, and that’s ok.
I think some people just have different perspectives on life, different motivations.
As an elderly millennial I empathize with you OP, I’ve felt much the same myself. I’m coming to terms with the fact that some people are just really focused and ambitious, while others (like me), really aren’t - and that’s perfectly okay.
Living like that sounds very harmful to ones mental health. Sometimes people can’t improve despite trying and trying, and being told there’s no point in living without improvement would just help people that are already depressed justify their thoughts on not being alive any more.
Man, that doesn’t resonate with me at all. I don’t think there is any point to living other than just enjoying your time here. Sure, work when necessary to be able to afford the necessities, develop some skills to be able to afford a few luxuries, but honestly just do things that make you happy. Self-improvement as a reason to live seems awful. If you’re unable to improve, are you a failure? If you’re already happy as you are, should you just end it?
Some people are just wired differently, those people are programmed in a way that just so happens to be congruent with our society. It’s not that something is wrong with you, it’s just that society is “more right” for them.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve been on the other side of this fence. It’s something that can be learned with time and dedication. If you feel like your life is unfulfilling and you want to change, you are never locked into the life you have right now.
This is such a short-sighted take. My wife was prom queen… 3 years before I met her. I forgot about it completely until I read your post and thought, “what a childish thing to say, no one cares about that.” Why? Because I have 20 years of history with my wife. 2 children, a good job, a good life, and a happy family. Exactly 0% of that has anything to do with a prom that happened years before we met.
I want to live a long and happy life, and have as many days as possible with my wife, my children, and maybe their children (if they decide to have any). The things that worry me aren’t whether or not I’m having sex with a former prom queen, but how can I stay healthy so I can have a chance to make as many memories with the people I love as possible. It’s about whether or not they feel loved, accepted, and fulfilled. High school popularity has no value whatsoever to healthy, adjusted adults.
Can we not do the whole “women are objects to be ranked based on physical appearance only and fought over as prizes” thing, please? That prom queen has agency of her own-- who’s to say she’s even into the “winner”, let alone that their personalities are in any way compatible? Maybe (assuming she’s interested in men and looking for a relationship) she’d rather be with a guy who isn’t hypercompetitive, who’s more laid back and easygoing?
Which brings me to the other problem with your metaphor: what’s “winning”? Someone could be doing well by society’s metrics and be miserable, because their current lifestyle isn’t the right fit for them. Someone else could be a total failure by society’s metrics, but perfectly content with their life the way it is. Who’s the real winner there? (Spoiler alert: it’s the second person).
I don’t know; can we not do the whole “unduly overreacting to the use of metaphor” thing, please? Honestly, your comment sounds exactly like something from a ChatGPT bot.
Sorry I didn’t put a ton of brainpower into spicing up the wording of a throwaway comment on an anonymous message board I wrote at near-midnight my time.
You are the only one who decides what gives your life meaning, and you decide what counts as “waste”. If your meaning is keeping up with people who have achieved big goals without working hard to achieve big goals of your own, you’ll probably end up envious and miserable. A lot of people like doing that so you’ve got plenty of company to wallow in your misery with if that’s what you want to do.
Kind of felt that way for a long time. Still kinda there but I feel like I’m finding satisfaction in other things than a yuge career, like my family and home improvement. The time I spend being useful to someone else than me (and my boss) don’t quite feel like a waste of time. To me, it’s not about “pacing up”, it’s more about finding what makes you feel the best version of yourself.
Maybe I am the wrong person to answer, but no. I’ve had one hell of a life so far. I worked in television, I interned for the Walt Disney Company, I served in the military, and as a result, traveled the world and lived in Europe. I even was a part of the convoy that recused Joe Biden in Afghanistan (my role was minor but I was there). All of that started because I didn’t want to stay in my hometown and left to pursue something much more interesting.
There was a snowstorm up in the mountains but the helicopter didn’t crash, the weather was too dangerous to fly in. I was traveling with Arizona Reserve troops and we were diverted to go pick up Joe Biden, Chuck Hagel, and John Kerry. All we knew at the time was some DVs needed a pickup and I never even saw them until we got back to Bagram where we were told who we picked up.
Hmm, take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to be someone known. Just enjoy what you have and stay satisfied. I know its harder to do than to say but human desires can keep you wanting for whole life.
Our realm is full of noisy things, making us chase/desire what we don’t have, and that is deliberate.
Fill your life with positivity, Change your prescription. Greed and envy will only give you negativity.
I just want to. And I believe I can, can’t I? I don’t think I lack anything they have. This is more of “I’m sad because of these people doing better than me” but “Oh, I can’t believe I missed this. How can I do it myself as well?” approach.
Maybe the title is kind of making you say what you’re saying, but I really don’t like how I’ve been using my time in the past. And I’m not using that to feel bad about myself. I just don’t think I’m seeing through my mistakes enough. I can still change, like a lot.
I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don’t feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I’ve been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I’m still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven’t really defined a “purpose” in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.
Just remember that you don’t see the negative parts of these people’s lives. Not taking anything away from their accomplishments, and it’s great to aim high. Anything that can inspire you to take action to improve your life is a good thing. However, I promise they still have things they regret, time they feel was wasted, and moments of feeling unsatisfied.
Let’s not even think about these as “accomplishments”. I really don’t think they’re as unpleased about what they’re doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that’s not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
Like I said, anything that motivates you to improve your life is a great thing imo. So yeah, if you feel unfulfilled, of course that’s a valid sign that you should absolutely do more challenging or meaningful things. My point is just that when you compare yourself to others, you’re comparing your whole self with their public self. You know your own doubts, insecurities, etc, but not theirs. So it’s not a totally fair comparison. In the same way, other people could look at you doing well academically and envy your position, because they don’t know that despite that success you are feeling unsatisfied.
You’re not alone in that regard. No one guided me either. But I self taught myself the skill I wanted to persue. And after 7 seven years in, I just gave up. Honestly I’ve no regrets. My school mates are doing way better than I ever could. I’ve no shame where I took my life, because it was my own decision.
I don’t think you have to bound yourself to a purpose in life. Better invest your time and energy in something you enjoy. Build some skills.
I think it’s completely healthy to want to better yourself and look at the examples of people around you, but remember that you’ve placed yourself in this group and as you grow you’ll place yourself in new groups with a new set of coworkers/friends/colleagues and some of them will outpace you. I found I was continuously stacking myself against the people around me in my career, and as I grew I would stack myself against a new set of people on the next “level”, which made me lose sight of my own overall growth. It definitely drove me forward and overall it seems to have worked out, but as you grow just make sure to take some time to reflect on your accomplishments.
Yes, I wish I could surround myself around such people more and more, it just helps you see things so much clearer. I’m still “looked up on” by most people around me and it actually pisses me up. Why are you telling me I’m doing very good, I’m the best etc.? It doesn’t help me grow at all!
I think the truth is probably somewhere in between how you view your accomplishments and how the people around you do. It sounds like you’ve made great academic progress, but you obviously haven’t finished growing yet. I wouldn’t consider that time wasted, just time for the next step, and you’ll be surprised at how much of a leg up your previous experience is going to give you. Best of luck dude!
Being the best “yourself” you can be is definitely a good goal to have.
However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re trying to be the best “yourself”. You’re looking around you and see these other people doing stuff. Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Everyone theoretically wants to have had a successful company. Or wants to have had a groundbreaking discovery. Or whatever. But very very few people actually do these things, even if they try hard, mostly those things happen because circumstances in some way set themselves up for these people.
Of course you have to work towards these kind of things to have any chance at them. But that’s the thing, those people actually wanted to do those things more than pretty much anything else very early in life. That wasn’t because they are just better people, no, it was just because probably their parents or something else instilled some sense of need for specific achievement within them. You didn’t get that, so you didn’t do these things.
We’re entering very philosophical territory. Let me give you some more food for thought.
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
What is the end result of, for example, having an amazing startup? How will your life look like, if you do or do not have that, in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years? 1000 years? 10 million years?
Is it of utmost importance that you have had (something like) a successful startup before you die? What if you’re one of those 99% that chase it but never reach it? What if you had not “wasted” your life like you say, but still failed at achieving your goal? It’s very normal for that to happen.
For me personally, I know that I’m not great at anything much. I have achieved nothing noteworthy. I have no real goals I need to achieve. My only real goal is to be as morally good a person as I can be. I have not a lot of money. I have no family.
Yet I am perfectly happy. I think that it’s absolutely irrelevant what exactly I do with my life. I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and if I don’t, that’s fine as well. Life does not have a goal state.
Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
I wasn’t really content with my life in general when I didn’t start to hear about the successful people either. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see I am content with myself in general. But if I didn’t hear about them I’d assume that’s just what it is I guess
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Honestly it was perfectly possible I could go back in time and just not mess up some things and be perfectly close to whatever people I envy on. I could count not-so-hard-to-miss mistakes and it’d take forever to finish. I didn’t really miss anything that others had, perhaps some guidance. But I think it is up to me to guide myself. Like, it’s not like my parents are supposed to guide me for everything, nor teachers or friends etc. So I consider being unguided as a “me problem” as well
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
I think it’s kind of a perspective thing. I just feel like I need these for myself because of personality or traits etc. Others might not.
Yea but I go easier on myself these days as I see it now as part of a larger systemic problem. Living in suburbs, having social anxiety, struggling with toxic family issues, etc. It all played a part in my escapism into video games and unproductive time sinks. I forgive myself for the past and try to do better today. It’s about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you, cheesy as it sounds.
This! Put yourself OUT THERE. You will surprise yourself. Sometimes opportunities and growth hits you in the face but usually you’ve gotta’ seek it out!
No - I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my life. I feel like I’m supposed to feel that way, and I know that many (most?) people looking from the outside in would believe that I have, but I just don’t feel that way. I’m content, and as far as i can tell, that’s the only thing that matters.
Ah, but there’s the rub - I’m content. It sounds as if you’re not.
Unfortunately, the only thing I can definitely recommend is to try to assess your own feelings and figure out if you really are discontented or if you’re just going along with the idea that you should be.
But if you really are discontented… I guess I could say to try to look at what it is that you really value (which is likely not coincidentally what you’ve mostly done with your time) and try to actually feel the value in it.
But I have no idea how that’s done, since its apparently just something that I do naturally.
Comparison is the thief of joy. What others have done in their life says nothing about their level of happiness during those times. Accomplishments are just one sentence with so much that happens in between that you don’t know. I feel like society has really done people a disservice by convincing everyone that you have to do big things in order to have a great life and if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.
You don’t have to pace up with anyone, your path is completely different from theirs and your thing that you do can start any time because it is NEVER too late. As long as you’re living you can start your next path any day you want, saying you can’t is like accepting that you won’t try anything new again until you die.
Lastly, even if you don’t have some big accomplishment like you’re seeing others have that doesn’t make you “less than” anyone else. You can still lead a perfectly happy and wonderful life without having some really great big goal in mind. Your goal can be to be the best you that you can be to everyone you interact with and that would still be a valuable goal in life. Take a look at what you value in life and when you focus on those things and surround yourself with others with similar values then you’ll naturally find your next goals in life. You’re exactly where you need to be.
if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.
I think they’re actually right. I just look around, older people don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone. It’s almost always what they do in their youth that defined who they are. If they are still doing good things in their life still, they were usually not sleeping around in their youth either. I think there is something about getting old that makes you less flexible in general, psychologically.
I’m definitely not where I want to be. I look at my last year, last 2 years, last 4 years, last 6 years etc. and it’s as if I never done anything right with exceptions (something something broken clock). And when I try to do something today, many times I struggle because I didn’t start early, or I just straight up can’t. I can give so many examples to this today. Me sleeping around only hurts me in the future.
Regardless of your age, you are a result of the daily choices you make. Coming from someone who is going on 30, I don’t feel like my life is defined by anything from when I was 17 and below. In fact, I don’t feel like I really started getting my shit together until well after college. And I’m honestly glad for that, I was a different person when I was 17 than I am today and I’ve grown a lot. 17 year old me would not recognize the person I’ve become today in a very very good way. You have so much ahead of you that’s really hard to see right now but it definitely gets better.
You don’t have to be where you want to be right now, but you can make a conscious decision to make small daily choices to get you to where you want to be. You’re focusing so much on what you haven’t done and not enough on what you could do in the future. What’s already happened doesn’t really matter, what matters is what you do tomorrow.
As someone who just turned 30, every year brings growth and change to my life. I’m not the same person I was at 17, or 24, or even 28. Every day I strive to better myself, or do better. Am I more set in my ways than I was 15 years ago? Maybe. But I don’t really think so. I choose everyday to try to level up myself in some way, some days I succeed. But often I fail. And that’s okay. Failure is a part of life - and an integral one. Struggling and failing is how you learn. It’s also a cliche, but I find it to be true that success is all the sweeter when it comes after a series of failures. All you can do is pick up and try again. Because when you let failure stop you, that’s the only way to ensure you’ll never succeed.
You’re young. You don’t need to have accomplished anything at this point, you don’t need to know what you want to accomplish later in life. Even if you never accomplish anything of note it won’t make your life, or your happiness, less important or meaningful. Your goals don’t have to be grand, as long as they matter to you.
Also I noticed specifically you mentioned sleeping around here. I’m not sure why you think sleeping around would hurt you in the future, or why you are beating yourself up so much over that specifically. But you should stop shaming yourself for it. “Sleeping around” is a perfectly normal part of life, at any age. As long as you’re doing it safely, and with care for your own mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It won’t prohibit you from settling down in the future if that’s what you want.
I don’t mean “sleeping around” literally, I just didn’t know what phrase to use to describe just kind of not doing any out-of-box activity and missing opportunities around you in general.
I did this too much it kind of affects some of my personal life negatively atm.
Context: I’m hope-to-be international student
I’m whining I have so little time to prepare for college admissions but… I could literally start preparing 2 years ago but I didn’t know I could study abroad at the time. Which is, kind of the dumbest assumption I made in my life. Have I never seen a single international student? Why would they not let you enroll? Why I decided I couldn’t study abroad for some reason? Why I took the words of the principal or family for a topic like that, they literally can’t speak English? Worse, I got really upset for not being able to study abroad for two years bc it was like my dream - this combined with some others factors made a few years of high school a mental hell for me
I could attend an international high school that would help with the process but I (literally this time) slept around instead of researching high schools.
I didn’t learn German even though I set that myself as a goal before, now I can’t apply to German universities, which would be free so I wouldn’t be stressed for getting scholarships right now
My examples are academic only but similar stuff exist in my social life as well, or like any other area
And time passes so fast I feel the pressure on my shoulders to not sleep around at least because I know I’ll regret that later on
Bruh you are 17. Life is just starting for you. My advice would to be find something you’re passionate about. If you’re not sure what you wanna go to college for, that’s okay, focus on what you love, and eventually you’ll make a career out of it. If you can live with your parents until you get your feet off the ground, you’ll be in a great position. I wish you luck. But please know you never wasted your life until you’re actually dead.
I really feel like the older I get, the less control I have around me. The older people around me seem like they don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone.
I’m actually applying to colleges as an international student (a really out-of-box thing to do, I’m proud of that sure) which is how I kind of found these people exist (you know, “extracurriculars” stuff) and this kind of stuff are doable. I’m thinking of who I was 365 days ago and I improved myself so much. But I also missed so many opportunities in these 365 days.
There is a lot in front of me and I’m anxious I’ll waste my opportunities again, like I did. Perhaps I’m still not really doing as much as I should be and closer to what I’ve been in the past but I just can’t see it yet, only future me could know.
Not everyone has to be grinding 24/7 to get the best available opportunities, if you’re more the type to focus on school/life balance then that’s fine as long as you end up stable. Chasing higher status is only going to draw you away from the things that matter to you personally.
It’s really the reverse. I really only focused on stuff that mattered the least to me while others focused on exactly what I strived for.
I was unguided. Or ignorant. I feel like the line between these two are pretty blurry anyway. Perhaps a combination of these.
Sure you might have “missed out” at certain times, but you still gotta enjoy life. If you had fun that day, and overall enjoyed it, it’s okay to be off the path.
Older people always get stuck in their ways, but if you have a goal, then you should go for it.
Only compare yourself to yourself if you’re doing better than you were a month ago, year or even decade you’re going the right way. Everyone has skeletons in their closet to you rarely get to see medical issues, spouse cheating, debt up to their eyeballs all this can be hidden for a long time.
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“Perhaps I’m old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what’s actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, “Hang the sense of it,” and keep yourself busy. I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” ― Douglas Adams
Only 99%?
The best way to be miserable in life is to compare yourself to others. Just do your best, thats all that matters
I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.
Just remember that because the face you see is always smiling doesn’t mean they truly enjoy their life. For all you know they’re so burned out and miserable, over the stress, and would kill to go back to a less stressful life.
We all have a tendency to see the grass as greener on the other side.
A bit of a scale issue. You’re seeing the top 0.001% of people. And they derive some kind of pleasure from their passions (probably) and are really specifically wired to chase this thing. It’s ok to be mortal. The only thing you should excel at is being you and finding satisfaction in your own life. For every person with a world changing invention, or what have you, there are millions of people just living, and that’s ok.
I think some people just have different perspectives on life, different motivations. As an elderly millennial I empathize with you OP, I’ve felt much the same myself. I’m coming to terms with the fact that some people are just really focused and ambitious, while others (like me), really aren’t - and that’s perfectly okay.
one of my psychologist friends said a long time ago “if you don’t keep improving yourself, then what’s the point in living”.
you’re clearly already taking steps on self-improvement and personal introspection, which is probably one of the hardest things a human can do.
honestly you’re already kicking goals if you try and be a better person each day. No one can ask more of you.
Living like that sounds very harmful to ones mental health. Sometimes people can’t improve despite trying and trying, and being told there’s no point in living without improvement would just help people that are already depressed justify their thoughts on not being alive any more.
the comment isn’t literal. it was an off handed way of saying that it is beneficial to try and improve oneself to get the most out of life.
i perhaps shouldn’t have qualified his profession because this was a conversation over beers, not his place of work.
Man, that doesn’t resonate with me at all. I don’t think there is any point to living other than just enjoying your time here. Sure, work when necessary to be able to afford the necessities, develop some skills to be able to afford a few luxuries, but honestly just do things that make you happy. Self-improvement as a reason to live seems awful. If you’re unable to improve, are you a failure? If you’re already happy as you are, should you just end it?
it depends on what you consider self-improvement to be
This is the core. I improve every day; part of that is by still not being dead.
Some people measure improvement by monetary wealth; some by fame, some by influence, some by personal happiness.
The key is to figure out what YOU value instead of measuring your improvement by someone else’s scale.
Some people are just wired differently, those people are programmed in a way that just so happens to be congruent with our society. It’s not that something is wrong with you, it’s just that society is “more right” for them.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve been on the other side of this fence. It’s something that can be learned with time and dedication. If you feel like your life is unfulfilling and you want to change, you are never locked into the life you have right now.
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This is such a short-sighted take. My wife was prom queen… 3 years before I met her. I forgot about it completely until I read your post and thought, “what a childish thing to say, no one cares about that.” Why? Because I have 20 years of history with my wife. 2 children, a good job, a good life, and a happy family. Exactly 0% of that has anything to do with a prom that happened years before we met.
I want to live a long and happy life, and have as many days as possible with my wife, my children, and maybe their children (if they decide to have any). The things that worry me aren’t whether or not I’m having sex with a former prom queen, but how can I stay healthy so I can have a chance to make as many memories with the people I love as possible. It’s about whether or not they feel loved, accepted, and fulfilled. High school popularity has no value whatsoever to healthy, adjusted adults.
Have you ever heard of a metaphor?
We know what metaphors are, it’s just a really bad one.
Can we not do the whole “women are objects to be ranked based on physical appearance only and fought over as prizes” thing, please? That prom queen has agency of her own-- who’s to say she’s even into the “winner”, let alone that their personalities are in any way compatible? Maybe (assuming she’s interested in men and looking for a relationship) she’d rather be with a guy who isn’t hypercompetitive, who’s more laid back and easygoing?
Which brings me to the other problem with your metaphor: what’s “winning”? Someone could be doing well by society’s metrics and be miserable, because their current lifestyle isn’t the right fit for them. Someone else could be a total failure by society’s metrics, but perfectly content with their life the way it is. Who’s the real winner there? (Spoiler alert: it’s the second person).
I don’t know; can we not do the whole “unduly overreacting to the use of metaphor” thing, please? Honestly, your comment sounds exactly like something from a ChatGPT bot.
Sorry I didn’t put a ton of brainpower into spicing up the wording of a throwaway comment on an anonymous message board I wrote at near-midnight my time.
Tell ya what: don’t use a sexist metaphor next time, and I promise not to overreact. ;)
Finding what makes you happy and focusing on making sure you’re unapologetically taking care of yourself is a good place to start.
This goes for work, relationships, hobbies, friends, whatever.
Can’t say I’ve always done a great job of it but for me it feels like it has made a difference the older I’ve gotten.
And of course, social media (including lemmy) is horrible for self confidence so don’t binge if you can help it.
You are the only one who decides what gives your life meaning, and you decide what counts as “waste”. If your meaning is keeping up with people who have achieved big goals without working hard to achieve big goals of your own, you’ll probably end up envious and miserable. A lot of people like doing that so you’ve got plenty of company to wallow in your misery with if that’s what you want to do.
I’d suggest finding another form of meaning.
Kind of felt that way for a long time. Still kinda there but I feel like I’m finding satisfaction in other things than a yuge career, like my family and home improvement. The time I spend being useful to someone else than me (and my boss) don’t quite feel like a waste of time. To me, it’s not about “pacing up”, it’s more about finding what makes you feel the best version of yourself.
Maybe I am the wrong person to answer, but no. I’ve had one hell of a life so far. I worked in television, I interned for the Walt Disney Company, I served in the military, and as a result, traveled the world and lived in Europe. I even was a part of the convoy that recused Joe Biden in Afghanistan (my role was minor but I was there). All of that started because I didn’t want to stay in my hometown and left to pursue something much more interesting.
You seem to have figured it out at least. Happy for you!
You were there in 08 too? I remember a bunch of senators crash landing in a snowstorm didn’t get to participate though.
There was a snowstorm up in the mountains but the helicopter didn’t crash, the weather was too dangerous to fly in. I was traveling with Arizona Reserve troops and we were diverted to go pick up Joe Biden, Chuck Hagel, and John Kerry. All we knew at the time was some DVs needed a pickup and I never even saw them until we got back to Bagram where we were told who we picked up.
Hmm, take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to be someone known. Just enjoy what you have and stay satisfied. I know its harder to do than to say but human desires can keep you wanting for whole life.
Our realm is full of noisy things, making us chase/desire what we don’t have, and that is deliberate.
Fill your life with positivity, Change your prescription. Greed and envy will only give you negativity.
I just want to. And I believe I can, can’t I? I don’t think I lack anything they have. This is more of “I’m sad because of these people doing better than me” but “Oh, I can’t believe I missed this. How can I do it myself as well?” approach.
When you know you don’t want to do that, then why are you doing that?
Maybe the title is kind of making you say what you’re saying, but I really don’t like how I’ve been using my time in the past. And I’m not using that to feel bad about myself. I just don’t think I’m seeing through my mistakes enough. I can still change, like a lot.
No. I’ve been in that insecure position. I just realised its not worth my time. Look forward.
I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don’t feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I’ve been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I’m still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven’t really defined a “purpose” in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.
Just remember that you don’t see the negative parts of these people’s lives. Not taking anything away from their accomplishments, and it’s great to aim high. Anything that can inspire you to take action to improve your life is a good thing. However, I promise they still have things they regret, time they feel was wasted, and moments of feeling unsatisfied.
Let’s not even think about these as “accomplishments”. I really don’t think they’re as unpleased about what they’re doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that’s not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
Like I said, anything that motivates you to improve your life is a great thing imo. So yeah, if you feel unfulfilled, of course that’s a valid sign that you should absolutely do more challenging or meaningful things. My point is just that when you compare yourself to others, you’re comparing your whole self with their public self. You know your own doubts, insecurities, etc, but not theirs. So it’s not a totally fair comparison. In the same way, other people could look at you doing well academically and envy your position, because they don’t know that despite that success you are feeling unsatisfied.
You’re not alone in that regard. No one guided me either. But I self taught myself the skill I wanted to persue. And after 7 seven years in, I just gave up. Honestly I’ve no regrets. My school mates are doing way better than I ever could. I’ve no shame where I took my life, because it was my own decision.
I don’t think you have to bound yourself to a purpose in life. Better invest your time and energy in something you enjoy. Build some skills.
I think it’s completely healthy to want to better yourself and look at the examples of people around you, but remember that you’ve placed yourself in this group and as you grow you’ll place yourself in new groups with a new set of coworkers/friends/colleagues and some of them will outpace you. I found I was continuously stacking myself against the people around me in my career, and as I grew I would stack myself against a new set of people on the next “level”, which made me lose sight of my own overall growth. It definitely drove me forward and overall it seems to have worked out, but as you grow just make sure to take some time to reflect on your accomplishments.
Yes, I wish I could surround myself around such people more and more, it just helps you see things so much clearer. I’m still “looked up on” by most people around me and it actually pisses me up. Why are you telling me I’m doing very good, I’m the best etc.? It doesn’t help me grow at all!
I think the truth is probably somewhere in between how you view your accomplishments and how the people around you do. It sounds like you’ve made great academic progress, but you obviously haven’t finished growing yet. I wouldn’t consider that time wasted, just time for the next step, and you’ll be surprised at how much of a leg up your previous experience is going to give you. Best of luck dude!
Being the best “yourself” you can be is definitely a good goal to have.
However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re trying to be the best “yourself”. You’re looking around you and see these other people doing stuff. Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Everyone theoretically wants to have had a successful company. Or wants to have had a groundbreaking discovery. Or whatever. But very very few people actually do these things, even if they try hard, mostly those things happen because circumstances in some way set themselves up for these people.
Of course you have to work towards these kind of things to have any chance at them. But that’s the thing, those people actually wanted to do those things more than pretty much anything else very early in life. That wasn’t because they are just better people, no, it was just because probably their parents or something else instilled some sense of need for specific achievement within them. You didn’t get that, so you didn’t do these things.
We’re entering very philosophical territory. Let me give you some more food for thought.
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
What is the end result of, for example, having an amazing startup? How will your life look like, if you do or do not have that, in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years? 1000 years? 10 million years?
Is it of utmost importance that you have had (something like) a successful startup before you die? What if you’re one of those 99% that chase it but never reach it? What if you had not “wasted” your life like you say, but still failed at achieving your goal? It’s very normal for that to happen.
For me personally, I know that I’m not great at anything much. I have achieved nothing noteworthy. I have no real goals I need to achieve. My only real goal is to be as morally good a person as I can be. I have not a lot of money. I have no family.
Yet I am perfectly happy. I think that it’s absolutely irrelevant what exactly I do with my life. I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and if I don’t, that’s fine as well. Life does not have a goal state.
I wasn’t really content with my life in general when I didn’t start to hear about the successful people either. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see I am content with myself in general. But if I didn’t hear about them I’d assume that’s just what it is I guess
Honestly it was perfectly possible I could go back in time and just not mess up some things and be perfectly close to whatever people I envy on. I could count not-so-hard-to-miss mistakes and it’d take forever to finish. I didn’t really miss anything that others had, perhaps some guidance. But I think it is up to me to guide myself. Like, it’s not like my parents are supposed to guide me for everything, nor teachers or friends etc. So I consider being unguided as a “me problem” as well
I think it’s kind of a perspective thing. I just feel like I need these for myself because of personality or traits etc. Others might not.
Yea but I go easier on myself these days as I see it now as part of a larger systemic problem. Living in suburbs, having social anxiety, struggling with toxic family issues, etc. It all played a part in my escapism into video games and unproductive time sinks. I forgive myself for the past and try to do better today. It’s about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you, cheesy as it sounds.
I feel I should be more adventurous. Every weekend comes by and I find myself just being a homebody, pretty much since COVID.
I think the trick is to find a hobby and / or get out be adventurous more often.
Having good friends is helpful, but those are so hard to come by later on in life.
This! Put yourself OUT THERE. You will surprise yourself. Sometimes opportunities and growth hits you in the face but usually you’ve gotta’ seek it out!
Well… no and yes.
No - I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my life. I feel like I’m supposed to feel that way, and I know that many (most?) people looking from the outside in would believe that I have, but I just don’t feel that way. I’m content, and as far as i can tell, that’s the only thing that matters.
Ah, but there’s the rub - I’m content. It sounds as if you’re not.
Unfortunately, the only thing I can definitely recommend is to try to assess your own feelings and figure out if you really are discontented or if you’re just going along with the idea that you should be.
But if you really are discontented… I guess I could say to try to look at what it is that you really value (which is likely not coincidentally what you’ve mostly done with your time) and try to actually feel the value in it.
But I have no idea how that’s done, since its apparently just something that I do naturally.
Sorry if that doesn’t heip…
Life has no purpose. You cannot waste it. You only live and die. Do what you want, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.
Looks like someone has been reading the book of Ecclesiastes!
Comparison is the thief of joy. What others have done in their life says nothing about their level of happiness during those times. Accomplishments are just one sentence with so much that happens in between that you don’t know. I feel like society has really done people a disservice by convincing everyone that you have to do big things in order to have a great life and if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.
You don’t have to pace up with anyone, your path is completely different from theirs and your thing that you do can start any time because it is NEVER too late. As long as you’re living you can start your next path any day you want, saying you can’t is like accepting that you won’t try anything new again until you die.
Lastly, even if you don’t have some big accomplishment like you’re seeing others have that doesn’t make you “less than” anyone else. You can still lead a perfectly happy and wonderful life without having some really great big goal in mind. Your goal can be to be the best you that you can be to everyone you interact with and that would still be a valuable goal in life. Take a look at what you value in life and when you focus on those things and surround yourself with others with similar values then you’ll naturally find your next goals in life. You’re exactly where you need to be.
I think they’re actually right. I just look around, older people don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone. It’s almost always what they do in their youth that defined who they are. If they are still doing good things in their life still, they were usually not sleeping around in their youth either. I think there is something about getting old that makes you less flexible in general, psychologically.
I’m definitely not where I want to be. I look at my last year, last 2 years, last 4 years, last 6 years etc. and it’s as if I never done anything right with exceptions (something something broken clock). And when I try to do something today, many times I struggle because I didn’t start early, or I just straight up can’t. I can give so many examples to this today. Me sleeping around only hurts me in the future.
Regardless of your age, you are a result of the daily choices you make. Coming from someone who is going on 30, I don’t feel like my life is defined by anything from when I was 17 and below. In fact, I don’t feel like I really started getting my shit together until well after college. And I’m honestly glad for that, I was a different person when I was 17 than I am today and I’ve grown a lot. 17 year old me would not recognize the person I’ve become today in a very very good way. You have so much ahead of you that’s really hard to see right now but it definitely gets better.
You don’t have to be where you want to be right now, but you can make a conscious decision to make small daily choices to get you to where you want to be. You’re focusing so much on what you haven’t done and not enough on what you could do in the future. What’s already happened doesn’t really matter, what matters is what you do tomorrow.
As someone who just turned 30, every year brings growth and change to my life. I’m not the same person I was at 17, or 24, or even 28. Every day I strive to better myself, or do better. Am I more set in my ways than I was 15 years ago? Maybe. But I don’t really think so. I choose everyday to try to level up myself in some way, some days I succeed. But often I fail. And that’s okay. Failure is a part of life - and an integral one. Struggling and failing is how you learn. It’s also a cliche, but I find it to be true that success is all the sweeter when it comes after a series of failures. All you can do is pick up and try again. Because when you let failure stop you, that’s the only way to ensure you’ll never succeed.
You’re young. You don’t need to have accomplished anything at this point, you don’t need to know what you want to accomplish later in life. Even if you never accomplish anything of note it won’t make your life, or your happiness, less important or meaningful. Your goals don’t have to be grand, as long as they matter to you.
Also I noticed specifically you mentioned sleeping around here. I’m not sure why you think sleeping around would hurt you in the future, or why you are beating yourself up so much over that specifically. But you should stop shaming yourself for it. “Sleeping around” is a perfectly normal part of life, at any age. As long as you’re doing it safely, and with care for your own mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It won’t prohibit you from settling down in the future if that’s what you want.
I don’t mean “sleeping around” literally, I just didn’t know what phrase to use to describe just kind of not doing any out-of-box activity and missing opportunities around you in general.
I did this too much it kind of affects some of my personal life negatively atm.
Context: I’m hope-to-be international student
I’m whining I have so little time to prepare for college admissions but… I could literally start preparing 2 years ago but I didn’t know I could study abroad at the time. Which is, kind of the dumbest assumption I made in my life. Have I never seen a single international student? Why would they not let you enroll? Why I decided I couldn’t study abroad for some reason? Why I took the words of the principal or family for a topic like that, they literally can’t speak English? Worse, I got really upset for not being able to study abroad for two years bc it was like my dream - this combined with some others factors made a few years of high school a mental hell for me
I could attend an international high school that would help with the process but I (literally this time) slept around instead of researching high schools.
I didn’t learn German even though I set that myself as a goal before, now I can’t apply to German universities, which would be free so I wouldn’t be stressed for getting scholarships right now
My examples are academic only but similar stuff exist in my social life as well, or like any other area
And time passes so fast I feel the pressure on my shoulders to not sleep around at least because I know I’ll regret that later on
Bruh you are 17. Life is just starting for you. My advice would to be find something you’re passionate about. If you’re not sure what you wanna go to college for, that’s okay, focus on what you love, and eventually you’ll make a career out of it. If you can live with your parents until you get your feet off the ground, you’ll be in a great position. I wish you luck. But please know you never wasted your life until you’re actually dead.
I really feel like the older I get, the less control I have around me. The older people around me seem like they don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone.
I’m actually applying to colleges as an international student (a really out-of-box thing to do, I’m proud of that sure) which is how I kind of found these people exist (you know, “extracurriculars” stuff) and this kind of stuff are doable. I’m thinking of who I was 365 days ago and I improved myself so much. But I also missed so many opportunities in these 365 days.
There is a lot in front of me and I’m anxious I’ll waste my opportunities again, like I did. Perhaps I’m still not really doing as much as I should be and closer to what I’ve been in the past but I just can’t see it yet, only future me could know.
Not everyone has to be grinding 24/7 to get the best available opportunities, if you’re more the type to focus on school/life balance then that’s fine as long as you end up stable. Chasing higher status is only going to draw you away from the things that matter to you personally.
It’s really the reverse. I really only focused on stuff that mattered the least to me while others focused on exactly what I strived for.
I was unguided. Or ignorant. I feel like the line between these two are pretty blurry anyway. Perhaps a combination of these.
Then just re-focus your goals and start to make your transition. Aim for improvement, not perfection, and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Sure you might have “missed out” at certain times, but you still gotta enjoy life. If you had fun that day, and overall enjoyed it, it’s okay to be off the path.
Older people always get stuck in their ways, but if you have a goal, then you should go for it.
Only compare yourself to yourself if you’re doing better than you were a month ago, year or even decade you’re going the right way. Everyone has skeletons in their closet to you rarely get to see medical issues, spouse cheating, debt up to their eyeballs all this can be hidden for a long time.